But first, the groundwork.

If you’ve been reading this blog, you have heard about how I was so anxiety-ridden I panicked all the way through a spectacular vacation. You’ve read that I couldn’t drum up the courage to call a good friend who had reached out to connect with me. And you’ve heard about how signing up for a retreat had me paralyzed with fear. There are a million more stories like that.

I couldn’t raise my hand in my MBA classes because my mind would be racing trying to analyze my answer, making sure it would come across perfectly. When in a circle, going around with each person asked to speak, I would be concentrating so hard on what my story would be, that I took in very little of what others were sharing. I made so deep this pattern of rearranging my thoughts and feelings before they left my mouth that if called upon out of the blue, I found I didn’t even have access to my deepest inner knowing. I would echo what someone else said, or say something that sounded good, or just make some damn thing up.

This was me. It still is me, some days. Protected by a complex strata of camouflage, facade, perfected pieces of me, and just sheer will to remain hidden. And wow mama, I have been so very good at it. I have been the one often forgotten, the one who is frequently called by someone else’s name, or started at blankly as it is attempting to be recalled. I have been completely underground.

For a while it was comfortable in there. At least more comfortable than not-in-there. And then it started to get really lonely. How could anyone see me, if I wasn’t willing to show up?

I can’t pinpoint a conscious decision to emerge. And let me state again that I am still working on it, every day. But as I open up a bit more, and trust the universe to deliver, I am rewarded again and again. It feels like unwinding. It looks like unwinding from a thatch of dark, thick, thorny vines. And then I want to find the other women who are like me, and help them emerge, too.

This is the woman I want to be. ')}

Announcing emergingedtech’s 2011 free education technology resources ebook march 2, 2011 after years of writing articles here, and months of selecting, do my homework paper compiling, editing, and formatting the selected posts, my first ebook is finally done

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