Stepping Stones: In and Up

Stepstones

At first, my yoga practice was piecemeal. I couldn’t have told you what made me feel so great about it. Just that it did…make me feel great. I had an intense fear of being in a room with lots of people and moving my body (at least without alcohol involved). That is on top of a general fear of doing things “wrong” in an atmosphere where everyone seemed to somehow just know how to do things right.

So, I would pick a spot on the side of the room close enough so that I could see the teacher (because I had to watch every move he or she made) but not in the front row (heavens, no). Preferably behind some kind of pole or other obstruction. I would fumble and fall, weird noises would emanate from my body, and I would think that everyone in the room was silently laughing at me.

But I still did it. Occasionally. Despite the stomach tied in knots, the sweaty, slippery palms. Believe it or not, I would sometimes have panic attacks during savasana (the restful part at the end). I did it because it made me feel good. And because somehow, between grunts and struggles and panic attacks, I could hear the very yogic message that it really was all okay, all just part of the process. That each struggle was just a bump on the path to myself.

And then, after a few times (not even that many!) I wasn’t the newbie anymore. And I wasn’t remotely laughing at the person who was. And, I realized, neither was anyone else. I was excited for the newcomer! I wanted to be like, “Woo hoo! Aren’t we so great for doing this!? Isn’t this so, so awesome!? Like 2 weeks ago I couldn’t do that either!”

And then I started going regularly, and changes were taking place so slowly, I didn’t notice them as they were happening. It may seem counter-intuitive, but that is one of the things I absolutely love about yoga. It is a practice. And as you practice you improve. Slowly. But, really, you do! I have come to love the slowness of it. Taking each pose as it comes to you, on that day, in that moment. And then one day you just realize that your knees are a lot closer to your nose than when you started. That you can twist a little bit deeper than you could before. That your breath is getting longer.

Breath is incredibly powerful. When you get to know your breath, and start working with it, you can calm yourself down through the worst of a panic attack, quiet your mind in chaos, slow your rapidly beating heart, or, if you are wanting the opposite, heat yourself up, get ready for a fight.

I started picking these things up like tools. Strengthening, balancing, aligning, centering, grounding, rising up, calming. These are things I sorely needed in my life, and they found me on my mat, and I could take them with me everywhere. I can, and I do.

And each day I woke up a little more to myself. It happens that while you are opening space in your body, you are opening space in your soul.

nosetoknee

Sometime last year, sitting in a week long workshop (every morning at 6:00am so I could squeeze it in before work) something else came to me, in a flash, like some really good things sometimes do.

“I need to teach this to others.”

Simple, right? I didn’t know how that would work with a 1 year old, and a job, and life. As much as I would have loved it, it was not in the cards to live at Kripalu for a month. And then one week later I came upon a program through YogaSpirit. 3 hours a week, 5 intensive weekends, 13 months. 25 minutes from home, after work hours, a form class with a beautiful balance of study between the asana (poses) and the spiritual. 14 of the most amazing, beautiful fellow students I could have imagined, in a heart-centered studio, with a powerful, wise, guide. Bam.

Here I am almost 12 months later, nearing the end of this phase of training. Wondering where I’ll teach, how I’ll teach, who I’ll teach. Excited for what is next. So grateful to my teachers, my students, and to myself for going in and up.

P.S.
I mentioned I would introduce you to the people and things that have helped me along the way. In keeping with my baby steps theme I am going to call these posts “Stepping Stones”. These will be posts where I highlight people, systems, tools, stories that have supported me, nudged me, or downright launched me down my path.
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Free tools & resources 100 ways to teach with twitter 100 ways to teach with twitter february 7, 2010 279 here’s 10 great ideas on how to use twitter https://justdomyhomework.com/ in the classroom, from blogger steve wheeler

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But first, the groundwork.

If you’ve been reading this blog, you have heard about how I was so anxiety-ridden I panicked all the way through a spectacular vacation. You’ve read that I couldn’t drum up the courage to call a good friend who had reached out to connect with me. And you’ve heard about how signing up for a retreat had me paralyzed with fear. There are a million more stories like that.

I couldn’t raise my hand in my MBA classes because my mind would be racing trying to analyze my answer, making sure it would come across perfectly. When in a circle, going around with each person asked to speak, I would be concentrating so hard on what my story would be, that I took in very little of what others were sharing. I made so deep this pattern of rearranging my thoughts and feelings before they left my mouth that if called upon out of the blue, I found I didn’t even have access to my deepest inner knowing. I would echo what someone else said, or say something that sounded good, or just make some damn thing up.

This was me. It still is me, some days. Protected by a complex strata of camouflage, facade, perfected pieces of me, and just sheer will to remain hidden. And wow mama, I have been so very good at it. I have been the one often forgotten, the one who is frequently called by someone else’s name, or started at blankly as it is attempting to be recalled. I have been completely underground.

For a while it was comfortable in there. At least more comfortable than not-in-there. And then it started to get really lonely. How could anyone see me, if I wasn’t willing to show up?

I can’t pinpoint a conscious decision to emerge. And let me state again that I am still working on it, every day. But as I open up a bit more, and trust the universe to deliver, I am rewarded again and again. It feels like unwinding. It looks like unwinding from a thatch of dark, thick, thorny vines. And then I want to find the other women who are like me, and help them emerge, too.

This is the woman I want to be. ')}

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“Baby steps to the elevator…”

I want to articulate how this journey is going for me. That is why I created this blog.

I have been finding things pretty difficult to articulate and being gentle with myself is part of this journey, so I haven’t pressured myself to write here.

What is happening, as I ease off myself, as I mindfully hold my intention for this year to shine my light and not hide it anymore, as I actively use my yoga practice and training to notice, spin, heal, my chakras (especially that 2nd one, is it ever a doozy. Sometimes it literally makes me nauseous.)? What is happening as I work with my financial coach to stand firm in my relationship with currency? What is happening as I work with various self-healing helpers to continue to open myself up?

I feel myself un-budding like so many spring flowers.

Osteopath. Star reader. Therapist. Shamanic Circle. So many more. These are my tools. And I want to tell you more about them.

So. I am going to. At my own pace, which by now you’ve realized is pretty slow.

And here is the full disclosure. These tools, and this part of my journey is a big part of what I have been hiding. Not everyone is going to understand. Not everyone is going to support me. I might lose some friends, or acquaintances who thought that I was someone else (not their fault…I’m the one who has been hiding). It is ok. It is time to shed the need to make everyone happy, or not make even a single wave. Everyone will be better for it, including me.

P.S. The title of this post is from the movie “What about Bob.” I really like that movie.

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