Let this happen.

In a few days I leave on a journey. I am packing 2 weeks worth of stuff, leaving my itty bitty, 15 month old little monkey and my amazing husband for 6 days to attend this gathering.

I am anxious and excited. I will be at my edge the entire time. But that is where we learn the most, isn’t it? At our edge. At the cliffside as we take our next leap.

Hubby and Monkey will be joining me on Friday in San Francisco. There we’ll have a visit with NanaLu and Papa (coming down from Washington). Then we’ll travel down by car to visit my best friend in San Diego. What adventures await?

I love to travel and these few days before it all begins are full of heightened emotions, anticipation. I am good at this mode. Pressure to do things right, quickly, every “t” crossed every “i” dotted. Oh but how it can ramp up my anxiety astronomically. In fact, on a few “vacations” by the time I got there I was so stressed out someone would have to peel me off the ceiling to go down to the pool. I could barely enjoy a moment. Remind me to tell you about our trip to Santorini sometime.

Me in Santorini - don't let the smile fool you

Today, I am taking each moment as it comes. When I am sad about leaving my baby boy, I cry. When I am nervous about flying (an old phobia of mine) I look around and remember where I am this second. When the logistics become overwhelming, I take a deep breath and think about how everything will be just fine. I will get there. I will have clean underwear.

A friend of mine reminded me recently that anxiety can come from dwelling in the future. Troubling over what is to come. It is my old way. This is my new mantra: Let This Happen.

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Space.

“Creating community in this way, well, it’s what I love to do.”

I realized it, or remembered it, as I was typing it to the Farm Manager of Moraine Farm where we have our CSA. I am volunteering myself to help with the Autumn Open House and the annual gathering of shareholders. Actually, I am sitting here willing that these events happen. That they will exist and be such stunning gatherings that everyone will want to be a part of this community. I ache to be a part of creating it. I want to be part of the magic. I want to be responsible for it.

This was a flash of deep insight for me around what I want to “do” with my life. Is the answer loud and clear? Nope. This desire for community-holding is powerful and that is certainly telling me something, and actions are happening because of it. But things are still pretty fuzzy. If I really love creating community, in this case through gathering souls together and having them share a fabulous evening (preferably with really yummy food and some fabulous music), what does that mean? Should I be an event planner? Not exactly, that is gathering on someone else’s terms. Should I open a restaurant? That seems to be centered more around the good food part. I should do…something else. Something with a space. Right. That’s where I am at with Antipodes Arthouse. This is what it is going to be. That place you are drawn to because when you are there you feel…elevated.

It is so funny how I keep coming to the same answer and I am surprised every time. ')}

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